Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Sorry my hands just texted you
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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