Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
