Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
