I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
