my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
