I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
