Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
