What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
