Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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