so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you didnt know i had herpes?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
