Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
