Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
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