yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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