i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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