There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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