My friends, they love my intelligence
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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