I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize