I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
