I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
