I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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