we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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