Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
