What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
