i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
