Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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