Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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