don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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