Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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