Define "chronic" masturbator.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
