she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize