dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
