My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
