It's a beautiful day for a hangover
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
