I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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