True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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