So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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