why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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