he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
