Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
