Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
