I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
