Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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