The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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