remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
