I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
All I want is dick and wine.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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