I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
