i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
