my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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