I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
