Screwed.edu
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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