Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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