I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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