Me. At least after what I've been through.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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