I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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