The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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