dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
