Swine flu. Run for my life!
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
