yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
