my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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