Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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