Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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